Revisited: A Letter to My Younger Self
Two years ago I wrote a blog in the form of a letter to my younger self for Eating Disorders Awareness Week (EDAW).
This year I have decided to collaborate with the National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) with the goal to create urgency around the need to recognize eating disorders as a public health concern and to push the importance of early detection through screenings, funding research, and accessible treatment and resources.
I thought it would be interesting to re-read my letter and reflect on any new insights, challenges, or things I’ve learned while providing resources that have assisted me throughout the journey for EDAW of 2025, which occurs February 24th to March 2nd.
My reflections are featured at the end of the original blog alongside resources.
Below is the original blog written in 2023.
“Dear Kels,
At the time of this letter, you are a 31-year-old Licensed Professional Counselor (LPC) at a private practice in Texas. Becoming a therapist is certainly a far jump from your childhood desire to be an astronaut but you enjoy what you do and the people you serve. I know this letter doesn’t touch the years that the eating disorder embodied a venomous snake. Taking hold of all your joy, wrapping itself around hatred, and disgust all while surviving on the abuse you took out on yourself. No, this letter barely scratches the surface, but it’s a step towards healing and forgiveness.
When thinking about where the journey starts, I can’t help but float back to sixth grade. Do you remember sitting on the floor with a pair of scissors and a turkey baster? You sat there for hours and hours. You sat, crying while contemplating how to proceed in accomplishing the only goal in mind: To remove all fat.
There wasn’t a safe way to accomplish this goal, however, this moment paved the way that we would continue to view ourselves. I can’t help but sit in this moment and be filled with a feral urge to protect you. I wish I could go back, hug you and tell you that you’re just a child who is still developing, a child who plays sports, and most importantly, A CHILD.
This self-hatred would become the fuel to our narrative and our core belief and would take over the next 20 years of our life.
Throughout therapy we have tried to address the core belief that we are unlovable or unworthy unless we look a certain way. We have carried this core belief around like a backpack for years collecting experiences and spoken words. In this backpack we carry memories of being called a hippo while wearing a swimsuit, being harassed sexually for the way our body developed, having our stomach or love handles pinched by peers, being known as the bigger friend, and so on. We carry self-comparison, failure, rejection, and discomfort. We carry the idea that we shouldn’t take up space and we carry examples of times when our physical form mattered more than the emotional parts of ourselves.
I remember the moment when the weight and pain of the backpack became too much. You were in college having just undergone your second hip surgery. There was a frustration at the failure of one’s body and the anger of having college soccer taken away. In addition, there was disconnect between you and friends, anxiety of what the future would hold, and a dire need to have some control in a situation that felt like chaos.
Unfortunately, that control came in the form of an eating disorder.
When you started to lose weight, you were met with compliments, admiration, and adoration. It was a shock to the system to receive praise for your body and physical appearance. This was foreign and addicting and led to a continuation of maladaptive behaviors. You restricted. You purged. You weighed yourself incessantly and became fixated on everything related to food. You measured progress in being small.
I don’t think anyone knew the depression, anxiety, or fear that lurked beneath the surface.
But I do.
You were scared to live life being unlovable. You were hopeful to achieve a certain body image that would result in finding your worth. But it doesn’t work that way, does it?
We pushed the goal post back inch by inch until even our own body image goals were unattainable. No matter how low the number on the scale got, the image in the mirror continuously displayed all the insecurities and areas of needed improvement. You slowly chipped and chipped away at yourself. Your nails were brittle, your hair was thin, you lost your period, and the light in your eyes wasn’t there.
I am so sorry for the way that I have treated us over the years.
I am so sorry for being at war with our body more often than I have ever been at peace.
I am so sorry for refusing opportunities out of shame for how we looked.
While the road to recovery is a long one, we can celebrate the fact that this road is no longer paved with extremes.
We eat food without labeling it as healthy or unhealthy.
We eat because our body deserves it.
We exercise out of enjoyment rather than punishment.
Of course, there are days when our eating disorder voice is especially critical, demanding and loud. It is extremely tough work to reframe the way the mind naturally wants to gravitate towards negative statements. We are still learning that love and worth don’t come from how much we weigh, what our body looks like, and how our body can perform.
When thinking of all the reasons why you are valuable it never comes back to whether you have abs and can do a pull-up. When thinking of the reasons why you are valuable, I think of your loyalty and the way you show up for others. I think of your kindness, humor, and the way you wear your heart on your sleeve. I think of your intentions with life and the desire you have to be the change.
Most importantly, I remind you that your body is the least interesting thing about you.
Love,
Kels.”
Two years later and I am still healing.
In those two years I have gone back to therapy, worked with a Registered Dietitian Nutritionist (RDN) and Certified Eating Disorder Specialist (CEDS) *shout out Nikki Estep with Mindful Eats!*, participated in a peer support group, read several books, made progress, and struggled.
As a therapist, I often remind clients that healing isn’t linear. Through my own experience I understand that this is one of the hardest concepts to wrap the brain around especially when relief is deeply desired. I remember having several sessions with my dietitian where I asked if it would feel this difficult forever. I have experienced the up’s and down’s, regressions, and plateaus and I will continue to experience these on my journey to body acceptance.
There are days when my body is my best friend.
There are days when my body is my worst enemy.
There are days when I’m proud of my body.
There are days when I try to hide, isolate, and shame my body.
There are days when I can speak to my body kindly.
There are days when I am extremely judgmental, critical and mean.
There are days when I honor what my body needs.
There are days when the needs of my body are ignored because shame is so loud.
There are days when I recognize that my body is just a body and she’s a good body.
There are days when I try to conform and hate my body into an idolized standard.
I have learned that allowing my body to exist in its current state feels scary. To remind myself that my body is the least interesting thing about me in a society that deeply values appearance, being small and looking youthful is trivial.
BUT.
My body is what she’s been through and she’s been through a lot. She deserves to be seen no matter the size and every day I try to be her friend.
One day there may be total acceptance and unwavering love. Until then I continue to take it one day at a time.
Eating disorders can be isolating and lonely. It is a battle that we often feel needs to be fought individually, however, I encourage you to seek out help. There are therapists, nutritionists as well as family or friends who will hold that space for you. You deserve to take up space and heal. You deserve to have someone walk alongside you and provide hope during periods when it feels hopeless. Let’s take this one day at a time, together.
Below are some resources that I would recommend:
National Eating Disorders Association list of collaborators and resources.
Screening Tool from NEDA
Research on Body Image from NEDA
Parent ToolKit from NEDA
Body Acceptance Affirmation from NEDA
Tips for Media Self-Care from NEDA
Wisdom of Your Body by Hillary L. McBride, PhD.
Reclaiming Body Trust: A Path to Healing & Liberation by Hilary Kinavey, MS LPC and Dana Sturtevant, MS RD.
More Than A Body: Your Body Is an Instrument, Not an Ornament by Lexie Kite and Lindsay Kite.
The Way You Are > The Way You Look from The Breakdown Podcast with Josie Balka.
