The Shame Cycle
We cannot shame ourselves into a new way of operating. I say this to you lovingly as a licensed professional counselor 🫶🏻
We all have cycles that we unconsciously engage in. Our cycle includes actions, behaviors, and plans to address the perceived inadequacies about our life. That’s how the cycle is born - We have this belief that we are a self-improvement project that needs to be fixed.
Let’s break the cycle down together:
The cycle often begins with identification of a problem. The problem is usually tied to areas where we feel most judgemental about our life or most out of control. Within the problem are triggers, feelings, or experiences that occur when we engage in the problem.
The problem results in feelings of shame, disgust, helplessness and self-rejection. This part of the cycle is where our inner critic is the loudest and the most demanding as it questions ‘What’s wrong with you?’ ‘Why can’t you get it together?’
We then create a plan to rescue us and create distance from those uncomfortable feelings. The plan provides an illusion of our ideal self. This version is shame-proof and worthy. Initially, all plans provide a sense of relief.
However, life happens and disrupts the plan. In this part of the cycle we struggle to remember that life is messy. Rather than blame the plan we internalize the plan’s failure as a reflection of our worth and our capability. We punish ourselves for the twists and turns of life, which eventually sends us back to our familiar way of coping, otherwise known as the problem
We cannot shame our way into a new pattern of operating.
Instead we can slow down, provide space and give ourselves room to breathe.
Instead we can encourage ourselves to trust not having a plan.
Instead we can give grace to the healing process.
Instead we can be gentle to ourselves.
Look at the example above.
The cycle starts at ‘Emotional Eating.’ Can you identify in the cycle where The Problem, Shame Spiral, Development of a Plan and Life Happens occurs?
If you had to create your own cycle what would it look like?
Who would you be if you weren’t always planning the next step in your self-improvement project?
